I Built My Dreams Around You

(Something I wrote back in 2006. It was a bit for a larger story that never panned out yet. A tale of unrequited love. I was writing what I knew at the time. Hope you enjoy.)


I bet she really doesn't know the magnitude of how much I like her. It's not love, because we are still into that getting to know each other stretch in the relationship, and plus if you are too quick to come to that conclusion, the relationship becomes compromised. But, sitting here, and typing this, it's obvious that she doesn't realize just how much I'm under her thumb, or her spell. I've receded into a nervous 16 year old, where I make excuses up to see her, find reasons to talk to her, and you know, coming up with arbitrary subjects to hold her attention is more difficult than it looks. I actually pace and fret over a silent phone. I haven't done that in years. I just stare at my phone and look for it to ring, and then, I jump when it finally does. If it's another number, I almost just let it go to voice mail.

I often think of her in the morning when I get up, and when I go to sleep is really bad, because I want to execute this properly. I don't want things to move quick and get potentially disastrous on a personal level. Keeping that in mind, I just try and keep a distance from her as to not give her the impression of smothering. I'm trying to not make the same mistakes again, where it's alarming enough for the girl to cut and run when it feels at it's most opportune, and nothing says that like some emotional clingy guy, calling and pestering at all hours of the day.

I just wish any acknowledgement of me would be more genuine, or at least feel that way. If this girl feels the way that I do to some degree, than show it from time to time. I can't get a good indication if it feels as if I'm prying information out, and responses are almost an afterthought. Like she's simulating answers I want to hear, and listening to my responses with entertainment in mind. I have to keep in mind that this person has a full slate of activities on any given week, and I really do feel fortunate when we can talk, but just some quiet time is all I want. A brief moment shared by two people and no other else.

I'm too confused anymore. I want to just let this play out, due in part to how much I like her and have respect for her positions, but it's eating me up sitting and just biding my time. Maybe it's nature, or maybe it's the fear of being alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to put pressure and stress on her, but I don't want to be a foregone thought either.

Treasure me like I treasure you.