Earlier today, I came across a link on twitter to a news article written by Laurie Penny for the New Statesman. The subject of the article was in regards to a tumblr account about "nice guys of okcupid". On the account were screen shots of hypocrisy and genuine self loathing, with a good hearty dash of misogyny. All of this was pretty revealing, because, as the older I get the more and more I realize just inherently greedy and selfish men are as a whole, and how so much more difficult it is in being a woman.
I also looked at this bizarre phenomenon regarding online nice guys, or nice guys in general. I must admit that for years I had generally bunched all females into one category whilst in the throes of self pity as being callous, manipulative, cold, and other rather harsh and nasty adjectives thought because the small intimate design I drafted in my imagination didn't pan out into fruition. The outright rejection I felt was overshadowing the actual reasons in why that particular relationship didn't work, primarily the lack of self confidence in a mundane, boring, sterile day of lounging and conversing. It was never enough to just hear some doting verbal affection every so often. I needed the affirmation daily in some twisted thought, otherwise, I felt I was inferior, or growing slight in their eyes. After the relationship ended, as they are wont to do when one party is as emotionally stable as nitroglycerin, the immediate fallout was to first lash out at myself and then lash out at the now insignificant other in my life. My thoughts weighted so heavy in romanticism come crashing back to the reality of things from their lofty perch and as a result, I would go for months at a time without contacting anyone outside of immediate family and friends. The feelings hurt, spent in retreat among comfort things like movies or comics, while the mind was spending too much wasted time in a forensic pathology of analyzing and breaking down actions that led to the break up.
Something happened along the way that caused me to realign my perceptions and look at things from a different angle. Being a woman seems to be so much harder on a daily basis, given the sociological makeup as a whole where there's so many reminders of ideal beauty or what projected beauty and the endless advertising and maybe subsequent brainwashing women experience at a young age as to what they should become as an adult, rather than be happy with who they are. Inasmuch as I have issues living in my skin some days, it's probably doesn't even register in pressure to say my sister on a day to day basis. Things are even more skewered when as men, there's this inherent thinking of what to look for as an ideal woman. You aren't looking at women as actual persons, but rather an object. Most guys I know would be completely satisfied with a cypher who was completely compliant and showed no independent thought. Something that could be complimentary to them and every endeavour they pursued, no matter how hair brained or idiotic in the long term it could be.
This leads me to the phenomenon of said tumblr account, which exposes the facade of public niceties on the surface, to show the rotten underbelly of what the person is truly looking for. The compliments and seemingly innocuous front to lure a female in then reveals something more insidious and venal in message exchanges. As a nice guy, an inherently nice guy to a fault, I find this so distasteful. There are reasons women have so many defenses up when you speak to them, and for good reason. Coop-ting the label of nice, and then subverting it intentionally (But usually unintentionally in most cases) completely nullifies the term, making it a loaded definition when it comes to actual nice guys.
I think the key to solving this issue, and really to improve all interpersonal relationships with people regardless of their sex is 1) Treat them as a person, not a stereotype nor object. 2) Understand that your life experiences are not the end all be all which all other experiences are to be held against.
I would like to say I'm a nice guy who has a hard time coming to grips with some things in life, but, I'm trying. Maybe that's the best I can do.
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