Saturday, July 27, 2013
Friday, July 26, 2013
It Wasn't a Good Month...
I have no idea why there is this romantic attachment to summer. It has all the appeal of something torturous and unpleasant to me. Between the bugs, the heat, the humidity, the smells of baking garbage in open cans or horrific body odor on people, I just don't get the glamorizing of the season. Maybe I'm just old.
Anymore I think the majority of people I meet and sometimes befriend fall into the lyric written by Oscar winner Trent Reznor
"I'll be there for you/ as long as it works for me/ I play a game/ it's called insincerity"
In this past month I had a relationship take a couple of turns to the point it's not even worth continuing. I've been disappointed a number of times, both professionally and personally. It's gotten to the point where a place like Portland Oregon looks more appealing rather than being a place on a map.
Why can't things ever work out in predictability? It's one thing for you to anticipate the worst because that's all your accustomed to in some fields, but, in matters of the heart, it never gets any easier. I've had the proverbial heart pulled out, kicked, stomped on, etc and yet, with all the experience I've had where relationships die, or get "friend zoned" I've not gotten any stronger from it. It makes me more suspicious and nervous to put myself out there.
I could understand the function of having a high school reunion years ago before the advent of social media. There was one for my graduating class this past weekend which I didn't attend for a number of reasons. 1) I haven't done anything so significant in my life that warranted going to a group of people I shared a class of title with to show my accomplishment. 2) Several people I went to high school are still here in town locally. 3) I wasn't really close to too many of said classmates. I came in as a junior, and from the last school I attended, I had the majority of credits where I could just stuff my class schedules with electives that didn't tax the brain. 4) I have no connection with people my age. There isn't something I can relate to in their field. I haven't suffered divorce, no #Y spouse, no children or custody battles, No bankruptcy. Every trivial adult issue I hear about through life, I have no experience in. I can't even get a lady friend to join me in the reunion for a few hours. That's how sterling my life is. 5) Reunions seem archaic and redundant anymore any way. Everyone is on Facebook, or twitter if they're advanced. We post things and pictures daily, some people multiple times a day. I know more about some people's life by being Facebook friends with them than I know some people in my own family.
I know you shouldn't, but, sometimes I take great joy when a relationship goes south. Especially when it's been broadcast over my timeline. I'm awaiting the inevitable break up.
I can't think anymore. May put some stuff up tomorrow. Thanks for reading.
Anymore I think the majority of people I meet and sometimes befriend fall into the lyric written by Oscar winner Trent Reznor
"I'll be there for you/ as long as it works for me/ I play a game/ it's called insincerity"
In this past month I had a relationship take a couple of turns to the point it's not even worth continuing. I've been disappointed a number of times, both professionally and personally. It's gotten to the point where a place like Portland Oregon looks more appealing rather than being a place on a map.
Why can't things ever work out in predictability? It's one thing for you to anticipate the worst because that's all your accustomed to in some fields, but, in matters of the heart, it never gets any easier. I've had the proverbial heart pulled out, kicked, stomped on, etc and yet, with all the experience I've had where relationships die, or get "friend zoned" I've not gotten any stronger from it. It makes me more suspicious and nervous to put myself out there.
I could understand the function of having a high school reunion years ago before the advent of social media. There was one for my graduating class this past weekend which I didn't attend for a number of reasons. 1) I haven't done anything so significant in my life that warranted going to a group of people I shared a class of title with to show my accomplishment. 2) Several people I went to high school are still here in town locally. 3) I wasn't really close to too many of said classmates. I came in as a junior, and from the last school I attended, I had the majority of credits where I could just stuff my class schedules with electives that didn't tax the brain. 4) I have no connection with people my age. There isn't something I can relate to in their field. I haven't suffered divorce, no #Y spouse, no children or custody battles, No bankruptcy. Every trivial adult issue I hear about through life, I have no experience in. I can't even get a lady friend to join me in the reunion for a few hours. That's how sterling my life is. 5) Reunions seem archaic and redundant anymore any way. Everyone is on Facebook, or twitter if they're advanced. We post things and pictures daily, some people multiple times a day. I know more about some people's life by being Facebook friends with them than I know some people in my own family.
I know you shouldn't, but, sometimes I take great joy when a relationship goes south. Especially when it's been broadcast over my timeline. I'm awaiting the inevitable break up.
I can't think anymore. May put some stuff up tomorrow. Thanks for reading.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
If I Could Be a Super Hero or Super Villain...
If I could be a super hero it would be the Flash. Come on, what's not
to like? Moves faster than the speed of light, can vibrate through
objects, a keen mind of science and look absolutely ripped in skin tight
red with those canary yellow boots with that ridiculous tread. If I
could be a villain, I would choose Ozymandias from the Watchmen. There
are drawbacks in the character, mainly he's the cause of thousands of
people dying and an overgrown giant space squid sitting in MSG, but, he
accomplishes world peace in the process. He's rich, skilled, and
handsome to boot.
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
How To Fake Like You're Nice and Caring
Earlier today, I came across a link on twitter to a news article written by Laurie Penny for the New Statesman. The subject of the article was in regards to a tumblr account about "nice guys of okcupid". On the account were screen shots of hypocrisy and genuine self loathing, with a good hearty dash of misogyny. All of this was pretty revealing, because, as the older I get the more and more I realize just inherently greedy and selfish men are as a whole, and how so much more difficult it is in being a woman.
I also looked at this bizarre phenomenon regarding online nice guys, or nice guys in general. I must admit that for years I had generally bunched all females into one category whilst in the throes of self pity as being callous, manipulative, cold, and other rather harsh and nasty adjectives thought because the small intimate design I drafted in my imagination didn't pan out into fruition. The outright rejection I felt was overshadowing the actual reasons in why that particular relationship didn't work, primarily the lack of self confidence in a mundane, boring, sterile day of lounging and conversing. It was never enough to just hear some doting verbal affection every so often. I needed the affirmation daily in some twisted thought, otherwise, I felt I was inferior, or growing slight in their eyes. After the relationship ended, as they are wont to do when one party is as emotionally stable as nitroglycerin, the immediate fallout was to first lash out at myself and then lash out at the now insignificant other in my life. My thoughts weighted so heavy in romanticism come crashing back to the reality of things from their lofty perch and as a result, I would go for months at a time without contacting anyone outside of immediate family and friends. The feelings hurt, spent in retreat among comfort things like movies or comics, while the mind was spending too much wasted time in a forensic pathology of analyzing and breaking down actions that led to the break up.
Something happened along the way that caused me to realign my perceptions and look at things from a different angle. Being a woman seems to be so much harder on a daily basis, given the sociological makeup as a whole where there's so many reminders of ideal beauty or what projected beauty and the endless advertising and maybe subsequent brainwashing women experience at a young age as to what they should become as an adult, rather than be happy with who they are. Inasmuch as I have issues living in my skin some days, it's probably doesn't even register in pressure to say my sister on a day to day basis. Things are even more skewered when as men, there's this inherent thinking of what to look for as an ideal woman. You aren't looking at women as actual persons, but rather an object. Most guys I know would be completely satisfied with a cypher who was completely compliant and showed no independent thought. Something that could be complimentary to them and every endeavour they pursued, no matter how hair brained or idiotic in the long term it could be.
This leads me to the phenomenon of said tumblr account, which exposes the facade of public niceties on the surface, to show the rotten underbelly of what the person is truly looking for. The compliments and seemingly innocuous front to lure a female in then reveals something more insidious and venal in message exchanges. As a nice guy, an inherently nice guy to a fault, I find this so distasteful. There are reasons women have so many defenses up when you speak to them, and for good reason. Coop-ting the label of nice, and then subverting it intentionally (But usually unintentionally in most cases) completely nullifies the term, making it a loaded definition when it comes to actual nice guys.
I think the key to solving this issue, and really to improve all interpersonal relationships with people regardless of their sex is 1) Treat them as a person, not a stereotype nor object. 2) Understand that your life experiences are not the end all be all which all other experiences are to be held against.
I would like to say I'm a nice guy who has a hard time coming to grips with some things in life, but, I'm trying. Maybe that's the best I can do.
I also looked at this bizarre phenomenon regarding online nice guys, or nice guys in general. I must admit that for years I had generally bunched all females into one category whilst in the throes of self pity as being callous, manipulative, cold, and other rather harsh and nasty adjectives thought because the small intimate design I drafted in my imagination didn't pan out into fruition. The outright rejection I felt was overshadowing the actual reasons in why that particular relationship didn't work, primarily the lack of self confidence in a mundane, boring, sterile day of lounging and conversing. It was never enough to just hear some doting verbal affection every so often. I needed the affirmation daily in some twisted thought, otherwise, I felt I was inferior, or growing slight in their eyes. After the relationship ended, as they are wont to do when one party is as emotionally stable as nitroglycerin, the immediate fallout was to first lash out at myself and then lash out at the now insignificant other in my life. My thoughts weighted so heavy in romanticism come crashing back to the reality of things from their lofty perch and as a result, I would go for months at a time without contacting anyone outside of immediate family and friends. The feelings hurt, spent in retreat among comfort things like movies or comics, while the mind was spending too much wasted time in a forensic pathology of analyzing and breaking down actions that led to the break up.
Something happened along the way that caused me to realign my perceptions and look at things from a different angle. Being a woman seems to be so much harder on a daily basis, given the sociological makeup as a whole where there's so many reminders of ideal beauty or what projected beauty and the endless advertising and maybe subsequent brainwashing women experience at a young age as to what they should become as an adult, rather than be happy with who they are. Inasmuch as I have issues living in my skin some days, it's probably doesn't even register in pressure to say my sister on a day to day basis. Things are even more skewered when as men, there's this inherent thinking of what to look for as an ideal woman. You aren't looking at women as actual persons, but rather an object. Most guys I know would be completely satisfied with a cypher who was completely compliant and showed no independent thought. Something that could be complimentary to them and every endeavour they pursued, no matter how hair brained or idiotic in the long term it could be.
This leads me to the phenomenon of said tumblr account, which exposes the facade of public niceties on the surface, to show the rotten underbelly of what the person is truly looking for. The compliments and seemingly innocuous front to lure a female in then reveals something more insidious and venal in message exchanges. As a nice guy, an inherently nice guy to a fault, I find this so distasteful. There are reasons women have so many defenses up when you speak to them, and for good reason. Coop-ting the label of nice, and then subverting it intentionally (But usually unintentionally in most cases) completely nullifies the term, making it a loaded definition when it comes to actual nice guys.
I think the key to solving this issue, and really to improve all interpersonal relationships with people regardless of their sex is 1) Treat them as a person, not a stereotype nor object. 2) Understand that your life experiences are not the end all be all which all other experiences are to be held against.
I would like to say I'm a nice guy who has a hard time coming to grips with some things in life, but, I'm trying. Maybe that's the best I can do.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
An Open Letter To Myself (for future heartbreak)
Jeremy,
So, you're single again? Well, it's not like we didn't see this coming the second she showed an interest in you. Your life is comprised of moments where you engage in someone long enough to have them temporary swoon over you and then wake shortly there after and realize who they're with and decide it's best to cut ties and leave.
I know I know, the whole suddenness of it can be jarring and cause emotional tumult on your end, but, have you ever considered things on their end? Really, think about the endless hours you subject them to banal conversations regarding subjects they feign interest in when in reality they're doing something far better and more fun in their minds. No one likes talking about movies, excuse me film, incessantly, nor books, nor anything devoid of substance to the human condition.
You are shallow. You are surface. You meet someone who you like, and that's what their takeaway is going to be of you in the end. You are inconsequential. You have not effected any life you have come in contact with. On the contrary, you are largely forgotten by the majority of people or known as "that fat guy" or "lazy piece of shit" by those who know of you.
I realize that this is all pretty damning of me, but, you need to know this as you get older. You need to know that you're going to be alone in this world. You will die alone in this world. There are no kids for your future.No woman in their right mind wants to spend more than 6 months tops with you. Look at your last relationship. You messed that up being all empathetic, caring, and attempting sympathy and all it got you was an half empty house and the flowers you purchased as a sign of affection sitting on top of the trash. That is the summary of your love life sir. A wilted bouquet of flowers on top of garbage.
Quit deluding yourself in thinking you're going to be happy. You're miserable and it reflects around to everyone you meet. That's why you don't get text messages daily. No one thinks of you often. That's why dates are postponed. No one wants to sit in a theater or a restaurant or any public place with you for any period of time. You're boring, banal, and quite frankly would do the world a service if you just disappeared.
It's called tough love and realism. Don't like it? I don't care. I'm angry you keep holding out hope that there is some woman out there designed specifically for you as your ideal mate. That's a childish notion. She doesn't exist. The best you can do is look for someone who is as equally tired and patient enough for your nonsense. You have to settle at some point, or pray you find someone desperate and not discerning.
Go get yourself a drink, and throw yourself into oncoming traffic,
yourself
So, you're single again? Well, it's not like we didn't see this coming the second she showed an interest in you. Your life is comprised of moments where you engage in someone long enough to have them temporary swoon over you and then wake shortly there after and realize who they're with and decide it's best to cut ties and leave.
I know I know, the whole suddenness of it can be jarring and cause emotional tumult on your end, but, have you ever considered things on their end? Really, think about the endless hours you subject them to banal conversations regarding subjects they feign interest in when in reality they're doing something far better and more fun in their minds. No one likes talking about movies, excuse me film, incessantly, nor books, nor anything devoid of substance to the human condition.
You are shallow. You are surface. You meet someone who you like, and that's what their takeaway is going to be of you in the end. You are inconsequential. You have not effected any life you have come in contact with. On the contrary, you are largely forgotten by the majority of people or known as "that fat guy" or "lazy piece of shit" by those who know of you.
I realize that this is all pretty damning of me, but, you need to know this as you get older. You need to know that you're going to be alone in this world. You will die alone in this world. There are no kids for your future.No woman in their right mind wants to spend more than 6 months tops with you. Look at your last relationship. You messed that up being all empathetic, caring, and attempting sympathy and all it got you was an half empty house and the flowers you purchased as a sign of affection sitting on top of the trash. That is the summary of your love life sir. A wilted bouquet of flowers on top of garbage.
Quit deluding yourself in thinking you're going to be happy. You're miserable and it reflects around to everyone you meet. That's why you don't get text messages daily. No one thinks of you often. That's why dates are postponed. No one wants to sit in a theater or a restaurant or any public place with you for any period of time. You're boring, banal, and quite frankly would do the world a service if you just disappeared.
It's called tough love and realism. Don't like it? I don't care. I'm angry you keep holding out hope that there is some woman out there designed specifically for you as your ideal mate. That's a childish notion. She doesn't exist. The best you can do is look for someone who is as equally tired and patient enough for your nonsense. You have to settle at some point, or pray you find someone desperate and not discerning.
Go get yourself a drink, and throw yourself into oncoming traffic,
yourself
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