July 7 2009

Today was one of those days that was designed for me to get outside and do more. Seriously. It was blue skies, mild temperatures, and a slight hint of humidity. It didn't feel like early July, but early April. I did get out today, visited my parents on my day off, and then mowed the lawn at my house. I keep thinking about how I probably could have gone to Hendrickson Park and maybe walked the trail a couple of times. I could have done something besides getting up getting dressed and then going over to my grandparents and sitting down for a couple of hours.

All around me there is work to be done, but I just don't feel that gnawing compulsion to do anything about it. My mind is bouncing about in different directions the past few days. I'm concerned about my Dad and his general health. I've been witness to someone wasting their life away through alcohol abuse last year, and sometimes I think it may repeat itself. It's difficult to try and tell someone you think they have a problem when they still come off, even as an adult, to you as someone who knows everything and knows better. I am perpetually a child when I am around my Dad, so the smart thing to do in this case is never done, at least not by me.  I have always been the peacemaker, avoiding conflict at all costs. I never want to rock the boat. I will actively try and avoid the concerns I have, because I know he has probably heard it over and over again, thus erecting a wall to which no pointed statement or emotional outburst can penetrate.  I feel inept and useless at times when this happens, which isn't often, but it does happen. Good sons should be able to derive their strength from their dad and when needed use it to help others, instead of sitting idle off to the side and keep themselves preoccupied with work, love, or other diversions.  I wish that whatever t think on how he has struggled with his 60's. I think he has been overly critical of how his life has gone, and there is some depression in there because of that, and it worries me at times that I could go the same route if I don't keep myself in check. There are plenty of reasons why I should be morose and sad, but I refuse to be a illustration of self loathing any longer. In a perfect scenario, I would had graduated college, had a great career in something, with a wife and kids. Life isn't perfect though. It's clumsy, sloppy, awkward, and unpredictable. I am here for a reason I don't know just yet. The world is still open to me, and I need to seize the moment. It extends farther than the city limits of Poplar Bluff, MO. I'm better than that.

To my Dad: I love you. It's tough to say because there are times when you aren't dad. You are almost a stranger living in my parents house. I wish there were more hours in the day which I could spend some time every day with you. I hope that your recovery is quick and that maybe you can start recovering your emotional state as well. I would like to someday bring you some grand kids to visit. I'm not here to condemn you for what has happened. I want you to get better. I wish there was something the equivalent of Clarence the angel that could show you what an impact you have on your friends and family. I wish you could keep that realization in your head daily. You are stronger than anything that troubles you. We all know this. I love you Dad. Get Well.he procedure conducting on him will make him better, but also give him a moment of clarity. We can never go back to a time of how things were in life. We are all in a different place and mindset, but to have your father attempt and follow through with whatever steps he needs to do to get his mind and health right, that would give me peace of mind. There have been opportunities presented in the past, as far back as the start of this decade where he could have done something, but for whatever reason, he hasn't. His life has been invaluable to me, my mother, and my siblings. For better or worse he has touched my life that no one else has, and sometimes I think he loses that sight, that realization of how important he is to us all.